Christmas isn't defined by gifts. I get that. It's Jesus' birthday which means that it's all about love and that those gifts should really be going to the poor. All right, I'll take the bait. I've completely given up on the whole gift thing. I could embroider a list into my moms forehead and she would still somehow end up getting me something that I do not want. "I thought you wanted an oven mitt?" It's an endless battle, and I have finally surrendered. Two of the worst gifts I have ever received came from my mother and my great aunt Sue. Mom is one of those mom's where she thinks she knows her kids inside and out and therefore poo poo's Christmas lists. She's too good for them. Instead we end up with gifts like Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and the The Never Ending Story dvd. One year, having woken up in a fit of Christmas joy I made my way to our tree. It was a morning so splendid, that I thought for sure Jesus had chosen our family to spend it with. Everyone was smiling, snow was falling and our fireplace was ablaze. I fell victim to the christmas spirit and hugged all my family members while giving them a meaningful wink accompanied with a "Merry Christmas." I open my first gift, which pretty much sets the tone for the rest of Christmas. As I feverishly ripped through the neatly wrapped package, my Christmas instincts hinted that it was clothes. A minor dissapointment, but maybe it was something I would actually like. The wrapping having cleared I stared at the gift that lay in the box in front of me. What? This could not be right. I lifted the shirt to verify that this was actually what I thought it was. 4 letters stared me in the face. F U B U. Fubu? A fubu shirt? Still holding the shirt eye-level, I moved it ever so slowly to the left and gave my mom a quizzical look. "I just loved the vibrant colors!" The second worst gift I have ever received came from my great aunt Sue. I will cut her some slack due to the fact that she is in a nursing home, however that is not an excuse. Aunt Sue one year handed me a gift in a rather half ass fashion. "Here," she said as she shoved it my way. Apparently old age comes with an ass hole attitude, because she's a little bitter and angry. I opened up her gift to find another article of clothing. Damnit. There was no glimmer of hope in this gift, this would not magically turn into an article of clothing I would enjoy.....this was going to be shit. This gift had a different flare than the FUBU shirt, it was a jean vest. "Thanks Aunt Sue, I needed this." My aunt Sue then, without looking me in the face says, "The bottom is extended, and has belt loops." Sure enough, she was right. Instead of ending at the waist, this magical jean vest kept going to about mid thigh. It also had a map of the world on the inside of it.
