Mama Told Me Not To Come

The van has two responses, "Soccer Mom with kids", or the van gets this response "Shady. Probably Rape..if not rape, there is most likely rope in the back of that thing." I love how one vehicle is praised as the epitome of motherhood, and is simultaneously seen as a kidnappers haven. I feel like there is one golden rule you should go by when identifying a safe van from a not so safe van.
Windows.
Every parent should tell their kids this. If a van has windows, please, by all means, enter into it. If a van does not have windows, don't get close to it because that means it's filled with something bad in the back whether that be drugs, immigrants or tons of paint cans. So what happens if you come across a van that has windows in it, but lets say you spot one of the three dangers in the back....drugs, immigrants or paint cans. Then you just wave to that van and go along your merry way

Too Hot to Stop

Do you ever have those "hott" days? It's those days where you wake up feeling like a 5'8'' Brazilian supermodel that just finished a 5k? You know those days? Those days are brilliant for a grand total of 3 hours. After about the 3 hour mark, some divine creation is notified that you think you're a fucking superstar.
"Katie O'Brien thinks she's hot shit...well I'll correct that"
You're going along your merry way winking at every passerby, bumpin' to the tunes of your ipod when,
"I'm hott. I worked out last night..I just got a check back from the government...booya.....OH FUCK!"
Then it happens. You wipe out. It can take a sheet of ice that was invisible 2 seconds ago, or you can chalk it up to clumsiness, but you blow it. Within seconds you return to being frumpy and the woman in front of you no longer has "super cool jeans, maybe I'll compliment her because I feel that great today", but rather she is annoying and you are debating whether or not you should purposely shove her and claim that it was an accident.
We love to throw excuses around..anything so we don't look like an idiot. "God damnit, I just bought these shoes and the soles are still shiny and rubbery and not broken in yet, so that's why I fell. It was not my fault." Or, my personal favorite having grown up with a family of attorneys, "Son of a bitch! Uneven sidewalk...Lane Bryant you're gonna pay for this trip!"
Either way, that 3 hours of hotness escapes you and never returns for the rest of the day. You reassume that role as pathetic. You had it, and then it was gone.

The New and Improved Reformation

Some of the foulest, most inspiring and white trash icons I admire have fallen prey to an epidemic that is getting out of control. Someone needs to stop Christianity before it swoops down and reforms the last few idols I have. Someone needs to stop this new reformation and look at the problem at hand--some of our best, brightest and most worthless stars are giving in to the big guy.

Take Salt for example from the once popular group, "Salt 'n' Pepa"--Salt has traded in inspiring lyrics such as, "you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back", for a cross and bible. Salt, Shoop is a song that trail blazed the way for femenism in the 90's letting woman know that they too can describe men as "lollipops to be licked."

Kirk Cameron--Fuck you Kirk. I loved Kirk Cameron as the hormonal, prankster Michael Seaver on "Growing Pains". Now Kirks one with the Lord, and I don't like it. Kirk went from making $50,000 a week on the set of "Growing Pains" to shooting low-budget, straight to video Christian films. Can we say dumb? Kirk, pretty sure eternal salvation is not worth being a part of the Left Behind series.

Gary Busey-My idol. Gary is a self-proclaimed "born again Christian". Gary is the shit when it comes to Christianity because Gary makes Christianity look like Jesus is pouring vodka down the throats of the saved. Gary is the perfect example of a human being who has given into the idea of Christ, but hasn't let that affect his love of cocaine. Cheers Gary.

Hey Omaha

Sometimes I like to keep updated on what's happening in my hometown of Omaha. I went on over to Omaha.com today to get a taste of the daily news when I came across this, and this is directly quoted,

"Omaha buzzes about the ballpark. Accusations ping louder than a ball hit with an aluminum bat."

What kind of shit 4th grade journalism is that? Did someone on staff just finish a boxcar children book? Was Highlights magazine the spring board for this ingenious sentence? I'm just trying to imagine the brainstorming for this sentence....

"accusations swirl like a twist cone about to melt"
"accusations fizzle as if the carbonation has escaped the coke bottle"
"accusations shrivel like an overcooked hot dog waiting to be bought by a fan"

Come on Omaha....I know we're not the New York Times, or the Chicago Tribune....but in all honestly, let's put aside our metaphors. Let's pack up our silliness and get to the news.

Wow. I am sorry. I have competely neglected this. I am back, and will now post reglary. I've been a tad busy lately and well, I'm sorry.

Shit went down this morning. My bus, the 74 fullerton bus, is a bus full of regulars. When I get on at 7:30 am, I know exactly who will be in the back of the bus, and I know exactly who will be driving it. We've all accepted each others tiny quirks. We all know the chick with the corn rows will be talking way to loud on her cell phone about her son. Everyone knows that the elderly gentlemen with the cowboy boots will get on and roam all the way to the back of the bus, only to return to the front of the bus 2 minutes later. We know who belongs, and who doesn't. We are a band of brothers, united in the fact that we do not have cars. There is an unspoken agreement that we all secretly love eachother, but you never talk to the person next to you. We are the morning crowd.
Today, someone interfered with our unit. The bus stopped for a good two minutes. Coats began rustling and sighs became louder and louder as people tried to figure out why we weren't moving. All the sudden, someone revealed that a woman had parked her car in a "No Parking" spot, and the bus could not get past. A robust women in the back set the tone for how this rebellion was going to play out,
"Ah, hell no, this broad ain't gonna make me late!"
Everyone nodded in agreement. No way was this Saab driving bitch going to prevent a good 30 people from arriving to their destinations on time. As if out of a movie, a man in the middle of the bus says, "That's her! She's just standing there!" At this point the bus driver is on the phone freaking out and everyone in the bus is beginning to panick. One guy starts banging on the window hoping to catch this No Parking Bitch's attention. He fails.
We beging rounding 2 minutes and 30 seconds and the everyone on the bus is losing their shit.
People are getting out their cell phones, yelling to the bus driver to just drive over her ass. The bus driver is asking people to calm down. How can we calm down? At no point does someone make the mature decision to just get off and start walking.
Bus Drier: Move your damn car!
Woman: NO!
Our unity grew stronger as we all collectively decided that we hated this woman. Eventually things resolved themselves and the bus began moving again.