Awkward.

Location: Chicago Public Library Lincoln Park Branch

On Wednesday evening I walked to the Library. Placed Barrel Fever, by David Sedaris into the return book slot and noticed that the two computers equipped with card catalogs were occupied. I roamed through the stacks for a while waiting for a computer to open up. 15 minutes later, the computers were still occupied. I approach the front desk,
Me: "Excuse me, are those the only two computers that have card catalogs on them?"
Librarian: "Oh, are you the woman looking for books on sexuality?"
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. What the fuck?
Me: "Um no, actually that wasn't me."
Librarian: "Oh sorry, yes those are the only 2 computers with card catalogs."
I walked away shame faced. Who knew the library could be so awkward?

Americas Next Top Rape Victim

Americas Next Top model. My guilty pleasure.
Actually the reason I love this show is not for the quality modeling, nor is it to admire the beautiful faces that adorn the television screen, rather it is to pay homage to my "mama", Tyra Banks. Having litterally made millions off the world known as modeling, talk shows and reality shows, Tyra is a big, bad, beautiful bitch who I have come to love and admire. She's the attractive Dr. Phil; the "lighter" Oprah. She's a mixture of chocolate and vanilla poured into a very shapely and attractive mug. Shes my gurl. I love it when Tyra sits the models down for "one on one" girl chats. During these "one on one" chats this super, super model lowers herself to their level by wearing Levi jeans and removing her shoes. She curls up on the catch and almost always says one of these lines to the hopeful models,
"So....you were raped. What was that like?" The model always responds...."oh Tyra. It was tough."
"So....you grew up homeless. What was that like?" The model always responds. "I had nothing Tyra. No heels, nothing."
"So ....you were abused. Tell me about it?" The model always responds, "It hurt, and bad"
Those are the most popular three. Somehow every gorgeous young women in america that makes it on these shows has had one of these 3 awful situations. Now and again you get a wild card, 
"So, your mother was a transvestite that made you run around naked." The model always responds......"Yep."
Its a god damn modeling show, its not beautiful counseling. When Tyras "one on one" chats come to a close, the model is sobbing, Tyra rises, gives the girl and hug and says, "You've come so far. Don't let anyone tell you your not gonna be somebody"
Ironically 15 minutes later Tyra cuts them because they were either fat, immature or lacked "personality". Ah, tough.
As the camera pans the models ribs peek through blouses and tank tops. I don't know about you, but nothing says sexy like visible ribs. If i can see someones entire clavicle and ribs I think to myself, "shes classy". Or, if i can fit a ponytail holder around their thigh, I think to myself, "I wanna be your friend."

This is why you need to get a degree....

I have a ridiculous job. if you know me pretty well, I've complained to you about it. Although, I should keep my mouth shut because it is a great job. I get paid really well, and I can work in my pajamas, so no complaints. Let me explain......I work for H&R Block. Basically I pick up the phone and call people, ask them some ?'s, and then determine if they are competent. If they are, I give them a green light and hire them, if their not, I give them this bull shit line, "I am going to pass on your information to my supervisor and if they are interested in hiring you, they will call you. However if they don't call you within the next two days, they will have moved on with further candidates." This is code for, "you were someone how dumb enough to fail my 1st grade level ?'s. No one is going to hire you. Not even Burger King."
But, here the thing.
I don't call people named Bob, Ralph, Susan or Carol.
No, I call people like this (actual names of people I have called)
1. Joei. --This is pronounced "Joey". Replace that 'i' with a 'y' or forever remain on the shitty name list.
2. Concepcion--pronounced "conception". Do you not realize the definition of your name is "fertilization" or "inception of pregnancy?"
3. La-Crystal. Your life would be so much easier if you just erased the "la"
4. Whytny-Pronounced "whitney" but spelled with every fucking consonant imaginable.

Other favorites include, Jamesetta, Tekyla, Dinesha, La Kayla, LaMarr and Toddler.
People always give me a hard time when I make fun of these names. "its a cultural thing." This is not cultural. Muhammad is a cultural name....but CONCEPCION....CONCEPCION...that is crazy. Thats not cultural. Thats called under the influence. Thats what these names should be referred to, Under the Influence names. UI names..
"Whats her name?"
"La-Quayla"
You don't think to yourself, "Ah! A cultural name!"
No.
You think to yourself, "did she just say fucking "La-Quayla?!'
Then i receive this argument, "well their parents probably wanted them to be unique"
Unique as in the kid eats lunch alone for the rest of his life while people whisper, "did you hear? That kid in the corner, his name is Tequila."

Homeless, not helpless

Sometimes the homeless can be a tad overwhelming. Its a little overwhelming when a large man clad in 5 different coats shoves a cup your way saying, "Miss, help a brother out" or "Mornin' Miss, please?" At first I gave into their opression. I would throw a quarter in, or drop some change into their hat. Theres definately a technique and quite frankly, an art to being homeless. If you have a homemade sign that says, " Desperately Hungry, please help", I will not give you money. For two reasons. 1) Thats half-assing it. I want to hear tragedy. I can see you look like shit, but where is the story behind it? 2) Mis-spell some words if you want my charity. Why have you correctly spelled "Hungry" and "desperate", as far as im concerned your too educated to be on the streets. And, the phenomenon that seems to be catching on is the homless man with no legs. This use to be a rare find. The war veteran with no legs who sits on the corner still recovering from shell shock. He was the one people would walk by and think, "Crap, he is homeless and has wheels for legs. He gets a 5." But now, their on every corner. How many homeless men with missing legs can one city have? I saw 3 the other day! Either someone is teaching some kind of homeless legless illusion class where you are taught to create the illusion of having no legs, or there are literally hundreds of these guys wheeling around.