I am terribly paranoid to work out in a gym. I could care less about my physical appearance, or if my Nike's show hints of dirt, but what troubles me is I know I look like an idiot. Like a complete moron. I know some guy on the treadmill is looking at me and thinking, "What a dumbass. That machine is for your arms, not your legs." I mentally take on the role of a marathon runner. I have 2 or 3 water bottles that never leave my side. I grab complimentary towels right and left wiping off imaginary sweat while pretending to heavily pant. To be blunt, I'm a gym asshole. I jump rope. I drive to the gym to jump rope. I am intrigued by cycling and am clueless when it comes to those giant pastel colored balls. I have no clue what those are used for, but I know it's not for bouncing. I prefer to steer clear from the locker room. I don't like to wash my hands next to naked people. I never got that whole, "What's the problem? We're all women." The problem is you're all naked and your kids are naked and you're all back here having a pow wow and are showing no signs of getting your gym clothes on anytime soon. The naked ones just hang out. Their leaning against the sink, their kids are opening every available locker....I just don't like it. It's not my cup of tea. The worst is when a naked kid comes up to you and just stares at you. First of all, you can't look at the kid, because that's perverse, so you just freeze and stare straight ahead hoping they leave. It would be my same strategy if I was approached by a dinosaur. Cease all movement until it goes away.
