I recently read an article in the New York Times that talked about the fortune cookie. Apparently an extremely large supplier of fortune cookies (can't think of the companies name off hand, maybe Wonton?) is taking fortune cookies in a new direction. Instead of the upbeat and inspirational fortunes such as, "Success can only be measure in smiles", or "Wealth comes from hard work", some fortune cookies will now have crummy fortunes like, "You will die, eventually," and "You will never be successful at your job." This, in my opinion is sheer brilliance. I wonder if this Wonton company has any idea how much of a ripple affect they could cause with this new "fortune cookie strategy." It will change chinese restaurant conversation forever. Everyone knows that at the end of the meal at your local Fuji Inn, conversation stoops to this level,
"Everyone read their fortunes aloud! But wait! I heard if you can get the fortune out of the cookie without breaking it, it really will come true!"
"Oh yeah, well I heard that if you crack it in one try it comes true!"
"Oh yeah, well I heard if you crack it at a 48 degree angle, it comes true!"
"What does yours say, Susana?"
"Mine says, your future breast augmentation will go badly"
(dead silence)
"Wow, how weird if that, Susana weren't you thinking about getting breast implants?"
"Yes, yes I was. Um, I've never gotten a fortune like that before...what does everyone elses say? Lucinda?"
"Mine says, Your partner will soon grow bored with your nagging and misshaped body"
Chinese food, as if it wasn't awkward enough (what the hell is a snow pea anyways?), will now become extremely awkward! I want to propose some fortunes to Wonton and pitch some ideas. So, you know how Chinese fortunes always have a row of "lucky numbers?" Well, what if Wonton changed that to your "predicted date of death." It still follows the whole number pattern, but its still keeping with this downer attitude. Some fortunes I would propose would be,
"20,000 tredmills couldn't help you lose that baby weight"
"If I saw your face everyday, I would move out too"
"Your lucky you have a pet, that will be your only companion"
"You will become dependent on an oxygen tank"
"That PTA speech was your defining moment"
"Your child hates you, and always will"
Wonton, those are my ideas. I would be happy to be a team player in this morbid and sad new strategy. In fact, please, I urge you to allow me to be a part of your company. I love chinese food, and fortune cookies, but I especially love shitty fortunes.
