Vending Machine Etiquette

Yesterday I conducted improper vending machine etiquette. I work in a building where the vending machines are "conveniently" located in the basement, which I must applaud, is a brilliant strategy for my office building. The entire building seems to be made of up the "big boned", smoker, over 30 crowd. Their not particularly friendly, spandex is a common wardrobe item and they all hate me. These vending machines (2 to be exact) are hidden in an eerie corridor right next to Tom "the engineers" office. Tom is not an engineer, hes a custodian, but he felt it fit to tack "engineer" on his office door. He's a liar. Bottom line, I rarely venture down there for 2 reasons. 1) Its pretty dark and Tom just hybernates down there patiently waiting for someone to appear so he can lurk out, introduce himself, then proceed to inquire about your entire life. And 2) I'm not a big lover of junk food. Yesterday, however, bored and craving chocolate I had the brilliant idea to get a reeses peanut butter cup, freeze it in the freezer and then eat it. This was a brilliant idea, so I thought. I get in the elevator, hit the B, button, which I must point out, is never located near floor 1. If you ask me, in an elevator the buttons should go in ascending or descending order. You don't just throw the B in there next to floor 3 or 4. Thats annoying. Its like the Free Space in Bingo. You know it doesn't belong and you have to fumble around it the entire game. So, down I go, into the office basement. The vending machines are glowing and welcoming, but what is this? Someone else is down there. What? It's not Tom, but rather, a rough looking woman who looks like she might be a cannibal. I'm completely caught off guard. I've never seen anyone down here before, besides Tom. We reach the basement vending machine at roughly the same time and we're stuck in that human pickle situation. Those aggravating situations where you put your foot forward first, then they do at the same time and you mumble "woa, sorry go ahead" then they talk over you saying "No, my fault, you go" and then you both proceed to stand their staring at eachother debating if you really should take their advice and go. Human pickle. It sucks. And there I stood, with cannibal woman. Well I blew it. I offended her. Upon reaching the vending machines I'm thinking "Go for it. Just go for it. Take the initiative, just avoid the human pickle situation all together." So I go. Worst mistake of my life to date because in response, cannibal gives me the disgusted sigh. Its not quite a hiss, its a little more weighted with a pinch of big bad bitch thrown in. I pull out my dollar bill, which is crinkled, stuff it in the vending machine, practically shaking because the thing behind me is pissed. The machine keeps spitting the bill back at me. "whoops!" THATS ALL I COULD SAY! "Whoops" i just kept repeating it. Finally it accepts the bill, I punched D4, grabbed my candy and collected my change. Fuck it, I am not waiting for the elevator. I opted for the stairs. For furture vending machine users, there is a proper etiquette. You should never take initiative and just go to the vending machine. In a situation where there are two individuals and you reach the vending machine at the same time, either engage in the human pickle, or politely announce that "your still deciding".