Jesus Freaks

I’ve had religion in my back pocket since birth. Born and raised catholic, it was burnt into my brain that if I did not attend church every Sunday, I would be doomed to the fires of damnation and would have to prance about with all the other evil spirits while everyone else “partied” in heaven. Jesus was a tactic my parents used to instill fear while they attempted to mold us into perfect human beings. “Kathleen, would Jesus cop an attitude while mopping the floor?” or “Kathleen, would Jesus have shaved his brothers eyebrows and given him a wedgie”? Nice try mother, but unfair argument, Jesus didn’t have any siblings. Booya. Point being, I’ve had to suffer through Sunday mass for 18 years. I’ve just recently noticed that the sole purpose people attend mass is because they think they “have” to in order to get to heaven, or be in good standing with the big guy. It just aggravates me that 99.9 percent of the people in mass are simply worshipping their blackberries as they check e-mails during the readings, or are playing tick tack toe on the church bulleting during the sign of peace. Why hasn’t anyone had the dignity, or the balls to raise their hand during mass and say “I’m really fucking bored?” I’m not dissing on religion and I’m certainly not making fun of the institution of church, all I’m saying is, no one is there for the right reasons. I won’t be hypocritical, my whole life I have robotically attended mass because I “have” to. In fact, I hate it. I just propose that we make mass a little more fun. Maybe someone could blow fire during the gospel? Or maybe the priest could magically produce a dove from his sleeve as he describes the resurrection? Or maybe each pew could have a talking Jesus doll and when you pushed Jesus’ hand he could say “And peace be with you” or “God damnit Judas, strike three and you’re out!”